Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Knocked Up

I was never positive that I wanted be a mom.  I'd gotten used to life with DF, a job I love, and our house full of pets, and for the first time in my life I was truly happy.  I knew a baby would turn our world upside down.  DF and I had been living together for over 3 years, and we didn't plan on our engagement in December, and our city hall wedding, whenever we got around to it, to change anything about our relationship other than my last name.

But in the last few years, everytime I saw a baby, I felt this pull.  Something was missing from our lives.  I was both fascinated and terrified at the prospect of having a baby, but would we ever be ready? 

Daisy, on her first night with us. 
In February, DF brought home Daisy, an undernourished, parasite ridden 13-week-old  lab-husky mix.  I was immediately in love with her.  We enrolled her in puppy obedience classes, got rid of the fleas, eye infection, roundworm and giardia and started to fatten up this little pup.  She brought a new kinds of chaos and responsibility and love into our lives.  I think DF was hoping this would quell the baby fever, but it made it worse.

On March 15th, I got my layoff notice from work.  Devastated, I worried that this would push back our plans of soon starting to try for a baby.  DF had a well paying job, and if we needed to, we could live off of what he made, but we wouldn't be saving anything.  We'd also decided that when we did have a baby, I'd take a year off from teaching.  If I wasn't working next year, how would we ever be able to save enough for me to take time off when a baby came?

DF had a "brilliant" idea, possibly only proposed because he was trying to stop me from sobbing over my layoff notice.  What if we just started trying for a baby now?  Once we'd gotten engaged, I started taking prenatal vitamins and cutting out baby unfriendly foods from my diet, so my body would be ready when we were, so that wasn't a concern.  I'd also read in What to Expect Before Your Expecting, that it takes the average couple 6 months to get pregnant, and I'd been taking the pill for almost 10 years, so it would probably take awhile to get out of my system.  In the meantime, I'd continue to look for a job, and if I got one, or my old job back, we'd stop trying and got back to our original plan.

I'm sure you see the holes in this plan, as I now do, but it made perfect sense at the time.    

On April 25th I had a job interview, and came home and cried afterword, not really for any reason in particular.  DF and I fought all weekend and I had what I thought was the most terrible PMS of my life.  I had cramps and I was bloated and beyond irritable, but my period didn't start.  I was scheduled to go to a bachelorette party in Las Vegas the next weekend, so I would be able to drink and relax worry free, and I was positive that my period would be starting any minute.

I know you are supposed to wait 5 minutes before you look at that little stick after you pee on it, but I peaked to reassure myself that I wasn't pregnant.  There was a very faint plus sign.  Shit.

I ran upstairs to tell DF, and as soon as I saw him, I started sobbing.  " I think I'm pregnant."

He ran over and hugged me and looked happy and confused.  "Why are you crying?" he asked.

"We aren't ready to have a baby!  What were we thinking?"

We agreed that before we got excited (him) or terrified (me) that we should confirm our results.  Two tests later, we were still pregnant.  He did his best to be excited for the both of us, while I worried about what we would do.

I feel bad that this was my initial reaction to the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life, but being pregnant changes everything more than anyone can ever convey to another person.  I could only think about all the things I needed to do and the fear of not being a good enough provider for this little one.

The conclusion I have come to is that no matter how much you want it, no one is ever really ready for a baby.  DF and I decided to close our eyes, hang on tight, and enjoy the ride.


  1. This sounds exactly like my story. My Dr told me it would be at least a year and I was pregnant in two months!! We were shocked/scared shitless/not ready at all, but you never are ready. It will all fall into place, I promise.

  2. I'm at 34 weeks now, and I'm mostly feeling better about the whole thing. I'm trying to go back and write about all of the fun and exciting things that happened when I was pregnant before Bug comes, because I know I won't have time after that. It's been a roller coaster.